my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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