i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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