Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Who died my cat blue again?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
