Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
