There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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