woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
