You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
