Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
