she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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