He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
