Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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