At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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