I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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