Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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