____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
