Screwed.edu
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
