My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
