Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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