Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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