My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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