You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
