quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
