you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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