Jerry, you need to find god
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize