I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize