My hand turned me down
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
