What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
