New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
A bitchslap is in order.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
