There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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