Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
