What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
