ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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