That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
