Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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