Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
