Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
