You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
