There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
