if you like me you must not know who I am
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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