My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize