I puked a lego.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize