I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You left your phone here
Wait...
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