so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
