fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
