somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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