I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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