OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize