Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
