Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
