my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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