how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize