Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
