Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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