My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
