when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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