She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
