you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
