My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
