I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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