My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
