I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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