Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
